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Pie In The Sky
February 3, 2016 
How do we fix the airlines?
We asked. You answered. Here’s a partial list of suggestions:
  • Let’s make a statement to the airlines, just to get their attention, and pick a day or week when we’ll agree not to fly anywhere.
  • After 15 minutes, an airline would be penalized $10 for every minute a passenger stood in line at check in.
  • If anyone on board a flight finds that another passenger paid less for a ticket, everyone who paid more than that passenger will get a refund.
  • No plane would leave the gate and taxi to the runway until it was cleared for flight, saving the airline gas and the passengers time.
  • The overhead compartment would be for the exclusive use of the passengers sitting underneath it. No one else could put anything in it without written permission.
  • Every plane would have an aisle wide enough to permit a passenger to maneuver past a drink cart to get to the bathroom.
  • Prohibit irritating announcements. For example, no crew member would be allowed to thank everyone for their patience after a two-hour delay, when passengers aren’t patient, but mad as hell.
  • Passengers would get to judge the in-flight entertainment as “Good,” “Acceptable,” “Poor” or “Nonworking.” If the vote averaged lower than ‘Acceptable,’ then the airline would provide free in-flight WiFi to affected passengers for a year.
  • If baggage went to the wrong city, the owner would be entitled to a free flight to that city after he got his bag back.
  • The flight schedules would be based on the average time it took to get from one city to another, from the moment the aircraft door was closed to the moment it was opened at its destination.
  • If an airline faked a repair problem and canceled a lightly-booked flight to save money, it would be penalized $100 per passenger. (Airlines are notorious for this; American Airlines, having been caught at this by the FAA, has been heavily fined in recent years). Same applies to faked mechanicals, fictitious weather, etc.
  • There will be a cash inconvenience refund of $10 per passenger when the plane being boarded is at the gate farthest from the terminal, which is almost always.
  • Banish announcements saying, ‘If there is anything flight attendants can do for you to make your flight more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.’ We know flight attendants have their hands full and are far too busy to help anyone.
  • There will be a $10 cash refund for each passenger for every minute the pilot is wrong on his estimate of when the plane will reach the gate. The cash will be handed out as passengers deplane instead of, “Thank you for flying with us.”
  • The price of a ticket will not be arbitrary, but based on the distance between the two cities spanned by the flight.
  • Airlines that raise fares when the price of fuel goes up must lower them when the price of fuel declines.
  • When there are more than ten persons in any line at a check in counter, the airline must open another position.
  • No passenger will wait more than 15 minutes to have his or her baggage delivered at the luggage carousel after landing.
  • We put a man on the moon. We built the pyramids. We discovered and mapped DNA. We should be able to figure out how to hire personable, well-motivated TSA staff, given their obscene budget, and make security check-in a pleasant and efficient experience.
To sum up, it’s death by a thousand cuts that makes flying such an awful experience. So let’s channel this negative energy into motivation and power. We’re sick and tired and we’re not going to take it anymore.

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